I Watched Fox Last Night! No, I'm Not Kidding.

This will be quick. I just want a record of this. It's a first!

Photo credit: Jonathan Ernst, Reuters

So, for the first time EVER, last night I watched an entire program on Fox ‘News’. It was the Republican Presidential Debate and I’m as shocked as you are. I only watched it because Donald Trump wasn’t there and I wanted to see how the contestants candidates would deal with the Great Orange Elephant in the Room.

For those who were counting, Chris Christie addressed Donald’s criminal behavior head-on, Asa Hutchinson waffled a bit but did admit he probably wouldn’t support Trump if he won the nomination, Mike Pence praised ‘the Trump Administration’ (meaning him, too), but hinted that nobody is above the law. Nikki Haley said a few bad things about the disgraced ex-president but in the end couldn’t bring herself to say out loud that she wouldn’t support him. (She said today on a talk show that if she wins she’ll pardon the old reprobate.) The rest didn’t quite know how to handle the awkwardness of running against the man they’re not allowed to say anything bad about.

But beyond Trump, this is how I saw that bunch:

Ron DeSantis wants to be a tougher, meaner Trump. As president, he wants to do away with the entire Federal bureaucracy—except the presidency, which I’m assuming will then take on all of those other roles he’s getting rid of: the Secretaries of Agriculture, Commerce, Defense, Education, Energy, Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Housing and Urban Development, Interior, Labor, State, Transportation, Treasury, and Veterans Affairs, and the Attorney General, the White House Chief of Staff, the US Ambassador to the United Nations, the Director of National Intelligence, the US Trade Representative, the heads of the Environmental Protection Agency, Office of Management and Budget, the Council of Economic Advisers, the Office of Science and Technology Policy, the Small Business Administration, and any stray animals running around the White House.

Vivek Ramaswamy, the smiling, clueless revolutionist running against Donald Trump, said Trump was “the best president of the 21st Century”. Nobody thought to ask him the obvious question: If you think Trump is the greatest president why on earth are you running AGAINST him? Also, Vivek wants to do away with the same list above.

We keep telling these guys an American president can’t be a dictator but do they listen? Obviously not.

Nikki Haley, the only woman on the stage, played up her gender, as if a Trump audience would care. But she did get some zingers in, so all was not lost. To her credit, she tried to remind Mike Pence that the president has no power to end all abortion activity. In order to get it done, Congress would have to get involved. She said (out loud) the numbers in Congress are just not there and never will be. Pence looked shocked; not because he didn’t know that, but that she would say it out loud.

Demerit points, however, for Nikki never uttering a peep when several of the men on stage repeated the absolute LIE that Democrats are all for performing abortions all the way up to the moment of birth. (Tim Scott’s exact words. The others just parroted him.)

Mike Pence said several times, after reciting bible passages and praising the Lord Almighty, that he’s turning to God to help him win. In return, he promises to bring God into the White House. We’ll see what God has to say about that. And the voters.

The governor from North Dakota said some words but I wasn’t listening. Sorry.

Tim Scott memorized a stump speech about his origins and his background and how he was going to take down the government, too, but his delivery was so awful, his moving lips and rising brow were far more fascinating than the words coming out of his mouth.

Asa Hutchinson said exactly the wrong things to make the MAGA crowd ever like him, but it sounded to me as if he might actually consider, you know—governing—if he got in there. I’ve watched Asa in action for a few decades, so I’ll take everything he says with a grain of salt, but at least he uttered some pro-government stuff out loud. Even as the crowd booed.

Then there was Chris Christie, famous slimebucket turned ethics scold. As a former prosecutor and U.S Attorney, he told the booing crowd, he helped to put many criminals away. He took many oaths to tell the truth and that’s what he’s gonna do. From now on. Plus, Donald Trump is an irredeemable criminal who is never going to be president. He said that. Chris Christie, a man who also will never become president, threw stones at the GOP Sun God and then he scoffed at the enraged crowd, and I saw at last what he was up to:

Christie knows he’ll never be president, but what better platform than the campaign trail to work at keeping his former friend and suck-up target, Donald Trump, from being the same? Christie will be doing this at every whistlestop, at ever debate, on every stage where people will notice. He’ll put on his prosecutor cloak and rail against the country’s Number One Criminal, the man who absolutely ruined his beloved GOP—as if the GOP wasn’t already on its way to perdition long before Christie was New Jersey governor.

So there it is. Did I miss anyone? I don’t know. They’re all such strange ducks. Endlessly fascinating. GOP-watching would be a lot more fun if they weren’t always out there trying to destroy my country. They take almost all the joy out of ridiculing them.

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