You nailed it, Ramona! People want so badly to help that they end up saying stupid....er, unhelpful....things. They also want you to stop hurting (partly for you, partly for them), so they try to offer what they think will work. It won't. There's no way out but through.
We're terrible with grief in this country. Absolutely terrible. We tend to avoid grief unless we can focus our rage around it (9/11). We've had well over 1 million Americans die from Covid yet there's nothing for them. No quilt, no twin beams, no day of mourning, nothing. It's tragic and unacceptable yet not surprising.
I know it was probably awkward but I'm glad you accidentally posted that to your regular FB feed. People need to hear these things. I hope it was received well.
And you nailed it in your comment, Misty. I hadn't thought about how little we've done for COVID victims and their families--no honoring them at all and barely acknowledging them. Terrible.
For the most part, the comments were what I would have hoped for. There were a couple who couldn't resist proselytizing, but overall I was relieved!
I gave my sister (who also lost her husband) The Modern Loss Handbook. She really liked it. I plan on handing it out to patients and friends in the midst of the grieving process.
It's actually more an interactive experience than a reading one which is why my sister enjoyed it. She took the other suggested book, "It's OK If You're Not OK", and barely kept herself from throwing it across the room. She doesn't like "therapy" books or, if I'm honest, therapy (at least, for herself). Kind of awkward given what I do for a living. LOL
LOL. I don't like self-help or therapy books, either, but I'm all for one on one therapy. That's the way it should be! Trying to apply something a complete stranger writes about and thinks might be helpful, without knowing the patient, seems an exercise in absurdity.
I completely agree about self-help books. It's frustrating because SO MANY of my patients ask about certain books (The 5 Love Languages is a popular one) or request that I suggest some when I pretty much loathe them. "Have you read this one?" No. "Could you suggest some on x topic?" No. When I explain why, they gloss right over the explanation and insist that they do well with reading. That being said, the books on grief feel different to me.
Words of wisdom for sure. Having gone through this experience somewhat recently, I know that I respond very differently than I would have before Dan's death.
It sure is. My parents died, my brother died, and this is so very different. I know life goes on and good things happen, but it will never be the same - the light of my life is gone.
I wonder why that is? I feel the same way. Could it be because out of all the people in the world, we chose this one and it worked? I don't know. I lived at home for 18 years and with Ed for 65 years. We might as well have been welded together. 😢😢😢
Dan was always the one - the boy down the street and my first boyfriend. We dated others, but remained friends. We married at 19 and were together for 63 years before he died. If there is such as a thing as a "soulmate" he was - and remains - mine.
Sorry for the confusion with the name. I created a fake Substack newsletter so I could use it as a step-by-step as I wrote a tutorial for Substack newbies and it's haunting me! I don't know how to get rid of it now!
But, yes, I know your story well. It's almost my story. We agreed in our later years that we were, in fact, soulmates. We both thought that was pretty cool!
All those comments you mentioned are what I call ‘insensitive.’ It’s a canned response, not a thoughtful one. I can’t tell you how many people told me my parents had lived good, long lives, and that they are united with other loved ones. Like you, I don’t find that comfortable. I find it dismissive. I have done several things for those who have lost a loved one: dropped off dinner, asked them to lunch, or invited them to come have a glass of wine & watch a movie. I recently lost my last remaining link to my dad’s family, my 101 yr old uncle. NO ONE said “I’m sorry.” Rather, I heard “ oh wow, that’s old! It was his time to go.” Well, yes. But in saying that, they have foregone any kind of comfort.
Death of a loved one leaves you empty and alone. A simple kind gesture means everything.
So, my friend…I’d like to send you something comforting, since I live too far to come over with wine. I just need an address. You can email me at anitahud@gmail.com.
I do hope you see your kids every now & then, and that thoughtful friends haven’t stopped calling.
Death makes people anxious, uncomfortable, afraid and they try, sometimes, to push it away by saying what they think is comforting--when it has the opposite effect.
If there was a popularity contest on condolences that would take the number one spot. I try to be gracious about all of them, knowing what a klutz I am at coming up with the right words.
News flash: there are no right words.
My least favorite is 'they're in a better place'. Variation: 'they're in Heaven now.' To which I kindly say bullshit.
You nailed it, Ramona! People want so badly to help that they end up saying stupid....er, unhelpful....things. They also want you to stop hurting (partly for you, partly for them), so they try to offer what they think will work. It won't. There's no way out but through.
We're terrible with grief in this country. Absolutely terrible. We tend to avoid grief unless we can focus our rage around it (9/11). We've had well over 1 million Americans die from Covid yet there's nothing for them. No quilt, no twin beams, no day of mourning, nothing. It's tragic and unacceptable yet not surprising.
I know it was probably awkward but I'm glad you accidentally posted that to your regular FB feed. People need to hear these things. I hope it was received well.
And you nailed it in your comment, Misty. I hadn't thought about how little we've done for COVID victims and their families--no honoring them at all and barely acknowledging them. Terrible.
For the most part, the comments were what I would have hoped for. There were a couple who couldn't resist proselytizing, but overall I was relieved!
I gave my sister (who also lost her husband) The Modern Loss Handbook. She really liked it. I plan on handing it out to patients and friends in the midst of the grieving process.
Thanks, dear, I'll look for it. If it speaks to me I'll read it.
It's actually more an interactive experience than a reading one which is why my sister enjoyed it. She took the other suggested book, "It's OK If You're Not OK", and barely kept herself from throwing it across the room. She doesn't like "therapy" books or, if I'm honest, therapy (at least, for herself). Kind of awkward given what I do for a living. LOL
LOL. I don't like self-help or therapy books, either, but I'm all for one on one therapy. That's the way it should be! Trying to apply something a complete stranger writes about and thinks might be helpful, without knowing the patient, seems an exercise in absurdity.
I completely agree about self-help books. It's frustrating because SO MANY of my patients ask about certain books (The 5 Love Languages is a popular one) or request that I suggest some when I pretty much loathe them. "Have you read this one?" No. "Could you suggest some on x topic?" No. When I explain why, they gloss right over the explanation and insist that they do well with reading. That being said, the books on grief feel different to me.
Perfect comments to make to people who may think they mean well but, in fact, make things worse.
How are you doing?
Awful. Thanks for asking.
He had a good long life.
Not long enough to suit me.
You were lucky to have him so long.
Yes, and his death feels like an amputation.
You'll be together again in heaven.
Bullshit.
Nailed it! ❤️️
Nothing but the truth from the recipient. I'm noting those for posterity!
I'm glad you went broad with this, Ramona. It's a difficult subject.
My Mum and Dad were joined at the hip and when he died, a friend said to me, 'How's your Mum?'
I exploded! I said 'How do you THINK?' I know I was very raw as I adored my dad, but my friendship with that woman dwindled after that.
I didn't care - that's what grief does.
All one can do is navigate it in one's own way - the way that's right for you. Take care. XXXX
Thanks, Prue. You, too. ❤️️
Words of wisdom for sure. Having gone through this experience somewhat recently, I know that I respond very differently than I would have before Dan's death.
I know. It's a whole new experience when it hits this close to our hearts.
It sure is. My parents died, my brother died, and this is so very different. I know life goes on and good things happen, but it will never be the same - the light of my life is gone.
I wonder why that is? I feel the same way. Could it be because out of all the people in the world, we chose this one and it worked? I don't know. I lived at home for 18 years and with Ed for 65 years. We might as well have been welded together. 😢😢😢
Dan was always the one - the boy down the street and my first boyfriend. We dated others, but remained friends. We married at 19 and were together for 63 years before he died. If there is such as a thing as a "soulmate" he was - and remains - mine.
Sorry for the confusion with the name. I created a fake Substack newsletter so I could use it as a step-by-step as I wrote a tutorial for Substack newbies and it's haunting me! I don't know how to get rid of it now!
But, yes, I know your story well. It's almost my story. We agreed in our later years that we were, in fact, soulmates. We both thought that was pretty cool!
All those comments you mentioned are what I call ‘insensitive.’ It’s a canned response, not a thoughtful one. I can’t tell you how many people told me my parents had lived good, long lives, and that they are united with other loved ones. Like you, I don’t find that comfortable. I find it dismissive. I have done several things for those who have lost a loved one: dropped off dinner, asked them to lunch, or invited them to come have a glass of wine & watch a movie. I recently lost my last remaining link to my dad’s family, my 101 yr old uncle. NO ONE said “I’m sorry.” Rather, I heard “ oh wow, that’s old! It was his time to go.” Well, yes. But in saying that, they have foregone any kind of comfort.
Death of a loved one leaves you empty and alone. A simple kind gesture means everything.
So, my friend…I’d like to send you something comforting, since I live too far to come over with wine. I just need an address. You can email me at anitahud@gmail.com.
I do hope you see your kids every now & then, and that thoughtful friends haven’t stopped calling.
Big hugs, Ramona…I mean it.
❤️ Annie
Death makes people anxious, uncomfortable, afraid and they try, sometimes, to push it away by saying what they think is comforting--when it has the opposite effect.
Nobody really knows the right thing to say. Even those of us who have gone through intense mourning have a tough time of it with someone else's pain.
Death is too personal for canned condolences, but they're handy and they're easy and now they're expected.
It's a failure of imagination when screenwriters et al. throw in "Sorry for your loss." I even heard that in some Tudor miniseries.
If there was a popularity contest on condolences that would take the number one spot. I try to be gracious about all of them, knowing what a klutz I am at coming up with the right words.
News flash: there are no right words.
My least favorite is 'they're in a better place'. Variation: 'they're in Heaven now.' To which I kindly say bullshit.